duration.

i've noticed that if a project of any kind, demands my attention for longer than two days, it's chances of completion drops at an exponential rate.  this is why i would hate to go to jail, because if i was in jail and i happened to be "IN" on a plan of escape, i would lose interest after two days, and justify my way to penal happiness.  this is also why andy dufresne in shawshank redemption, is my hero.  the guy had the gumption and focus to dig himself to freedom within sixteen years.  i imagine myself working on something everyday for sixteen years and the only thing i can think of is my penis.

animal.

while i'm bare-bottomed in a shower and a body cleaning product tells me there was, "no animal testing," i'm not comforted.  but i do laugh.  still, IF an animal was tested, which animal was it?  some products have a picture of a little bunny but i'm pretty sure it wasn't a bunny.  i'm guessing it was a rat.  and when people say, "oh great, i get to be the guinea pig," is it because guinea pigs are/were test animals?!  for shame, human race!  however, if the mystery animal wasn't tested, HOW was the product tested?  on voluntary hippies?  yes, it's all natural and organic but you can't mix a bunch of nature's best and hope it feels good and cleans well.  you gotta test it out.  i don't know man....i don't know about this stuff.

breakfast clafouti.

got this recipe off of mark's daily apple. while i do enjoy my chicken, said meat isn't too appetizing for breakfast.  but the general idea of a clafouti was definitely alluring. so, i took out the curry, and substituted the chicken with avocados, bacon!, and tomatoes.

6 eggs
1 cup coconut milk
1 small red onion
1 head of garlic
1 pound of bacon!
6 small tomatoes
3 - 4 avocados

preheat oven to 325. render the bacon! half way and save the fat! dice garlic and onions, mix with coconut milk, eggs, and fat! get mixture all frothy and airy, pour into baking pan, pie dish, whatevers is safe in the oven. layer bottom with sliced avocados (two layers), layer bacon! on top, and layer that with diced tomatoes. bake it, pace like crazy for 1.5 hours, and EAT!

my oven is super old so the cooking temp and time probably isn't all too accurate. just keep an eye on it.

YAY!

space!

going along with our space theme, i wanted to recommend some movies:

1. the right stuff. this is one of the best movies about the american space program and definitely one of the classics from the 80s. while the cast is phenomenal, keep an eye out for jeff goldblum and harry shearer.



2. moon. i absolutely loved this movie. it has a minimalist quality that isn't pretentious which is also reflected in the lead, sam rockwell. it moves quickly without being rushed and is enough of a brain fuck, to keep you entertained. it is great sci-fi, in that it's not too far fetched.



3. when we left earth. great documentary series. it's like a tasty riesling, because all the information is familiar, but is skillfully delivered in a dry/logical but entertaining way, with little gems hidden throughout. nicely narrated by gary sinise.

4. when we left earth. again. i don't think this is related to the discovery channel and i actually think it's better. no narrator, just footage and audio clips, a little music.



enjoy!

when we left earth.

i've been on a "space" kick lately but honestly, i don't think i ever got out of it since who knows when. i think it's safe to say, i have an addiction. i gotta get my fix in some form or another, maybe, on a daily basis. besides the star wars trilogy or the star trek universe, here are some great alternatives:

my friend frank steered me towards this UHmazing video (FULL SCREEN IT!):



also, the space shuttle endeavor will go on its and the shuttle program's final mission. the best part is, i get to go and watch the launch! my friend joe is the man!

some other galactical options:

the hubble satellite. go to the gallery page, put on some spacey music, smoke some herb, and put those pics on a slideshow. your imagination will thank you.

space. this site is chock full of outer space brain fodder.

primal.

during this month, i've been shifting my life towards a more primal existence. no, i haven't been searching for a cave or hunting razorback hogs with sharpened stone. what i have been doing is blending my modern digital life with a life my genes are more familiar with. it all started with these shoes: vibram.

which led me to this guy: ted.
which led me to this guy: mark.
which led me to this book: primal blueprint.

i've been out of work for the past few months and spending a lot of time on my ass, which in turn, has gained a bit more plump. in fact, i can't fit into my clothes without sucking it in and when i'm in, i can't move, and look like a poor imitation of an out of work rodeo dood (aka ass clown). i'm 5'11" and at 190 lbs, the heaviest i've ever been. it's uncomfortable, unhealthy, and unattractive. you can say that it's a natural process of growing older but i have to disagree. it's me sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself.

in primal blueprint, the author breaks it down to 10 simple, flexible rules.

1. eat lots of plants and animals. bugs too, if you want.
2. move around a lot at a slow pace.
3. life heavy things.
4. run really fast every once in a while.
5. get lots of sleep. (siesta!)
6. play.
7. get some sunlight every day.
8. avoid trauma. (don't be an idiot.)
9. avoid poisonous things. (don't be an idiot.)
10. use your mind. (don't become an idiot.)

for more detail, go: primal 10.



pretty simple yeah? for most of my life, i've gotten so much contradicting information on diet and exercise that i was starting to feel guilty about EVERYTHING i ate and did. i tried vegetarian and raw but that left me extremely on edge, fucked with my sleep pattern, and at times in muscular pain. and exercising ALL the time was ridiculous. the point is, before agriculture, our ancestors ate what they could and occasionally went hungry. they also didn't have baked goods, hot rice, or heavily processed foods loaded with salt + sugar.

in the first week of eating just veggies and meat, i lost eight pounds. i didn't move all that much either. i biked around as usual, played beached whale, and watched a bunch of movies. but i cut out everything with added sugar and grains, like wheat. SO simple. i'm shooting for 165 lbs.

this whole concept is what i've "known" to be a proper lifestyle. i've always believed our beautifully evolved bodies are capable of amazing daily feats, and our current world of air conditioned interiors and over sanitized hands is bad news.

more than anything, i've regained a middle ground with myself. i just feel better knowing that i knew what i was doing. the real revelation has to be the knowledge about grains and sugars which spikes our insulin levels which makes us "feel" hungry. on the second day i started this change, i was completely satisfied on an avocado and a hard boiled egg. without my insulin spiking, i didn't feel the need to keep eating until i felt full. i just ate and realized i was content.

i feel good.

and then, bing.

i don't want to get ahead of myself here....but. i am pretty fucking excited. for weeks now, i've been thinking about going after another subject of interest. i've studied engineering, architecture, interior design, drawing, painting, sculpting, biology, physics, great western literature, oceanography, sewing, and anthropology. i'm missing a few subjects from that rundown but the point is, i've studied a LOT. but, as of last post, i was at a complete loss.

anthro isn't for me. i don't know if i could study a people without getting involved in SOME way. they could be the most "savage" people in the middle of a recent jungle clearing but i know i would get accustomed, some how. to analyze culture in a scientific way seems intuitively oxymoron-ic.

so, we're back at zero with another subject gone' fishin. after a few days of cigs and beer and top gear and sighing, it dawned on me: i can't be too creative because it starves the practical and vice versa, which leaves me feeling incomplete and tired. mind + body + soul, folks. mindbodysoul. you think it's too ideal? i still do but i'm glad i haven't stopped looking for it because i may have found something: sustainable construction technologies.

it looks like a mix of architecture and construction (plumbing, carpentry, wiring), with a healthy dose of practicality. it's a logical choice and i feel good about it too. so, yay!

i initially found a program called green building systems, taught in santa fe, new mexico, but i've lived there before and while i love santa fe, and miss my friends, i've also fallen in love with oahu. the world's best beaches, at my doorstep. see my problem? but it WAS a problem until i found a more hands-on program on maui. so, yay!

he chose....wisely.

sometimes, comes a great urge to write but when i do, i find it is of nothing in particular. i don't lack topics nor subjects but like constipated thoughts, i got nothing but brain farts. and sometimes, of course, i can't find a toilet to save my life.

i don't consider myself a writer in the least, but i would like to be a good one. i don't consider myself to be a photographer, but i've been told i take good pictures. i do however, consider myself easily bored. a subject, an activity will grab my interest but sooner than later, my interest rejects it. this is a massive inconvenience. earlier, this short lived and repetitive process had charm and freedom. funny that. that short lived and repetitive process turns out to be the longest theme running....

now though, i'm sick of it. curiosity is a lovely endeavor but it is an expensive one. how much has it cost me? where would i be if i hadn't been so curious and so easily bored? i speak strictly in financial terms....i would have more useless things (from goodwill) and pay my bills a bit more easily. i would probably have a few fuzzy pals named something nerdy like bones, spock, or scotty.

before, money had no place in my life. i'd rough it during travel and give the proverbial bird to any new bill in the mail. but i've got plans now. plans that require gobs of money. it is frustrating to realize that i haven't got a clue as to what i am going to do to finance these plans to fruition.

i am approaching this subject in a rather negative tone. it has not been bad. honestly, i cherish my experiences/memories and thus feel confident in many aspects of this modern creative life. or at least, i trust myself to be successful on a daily basis.

but enough of that emotional balancing.

my curiosity has run out of fodder. yesyes, there are plenty of other topics to explore but i no longer have the motivation to pursue them. that's it really: no motivation, no tenacity. maybe that's not true, maybe i just haven't found the holy grail of topics. maybe my curiosity is tenacious in trying to find the one subject that will feed it to the bitter end. is it foolish? because maybe that holy grail is exactly that: the stuff of legend.

dr. jones?

i consider it suicide to settle for something less than ideal. i don't even want to consider the idea of settling for a career, for anything of that magnitude....that is a voluntary nightmare. i hate seeing it and hate experiencing it. at what price though....what is this pursuit going to cost me/my family emotionally? do i stay foolish/selfish or give in?

jamie oliver.

been months! since i've been on this thing...

whatever your bias towards this guy, put is aside (because it's petty), and check out what he's got to say. had to share this:

the p's.

patience.
practice.
patience.
practice.
patience, patience.

i try and i try and these demons that hold me down, and this demonic consciousness continues to drive the oars towards a

water.fall. of devastating proportions. proportions that i see but can't grasp. but maybe. no. i know what's going to happen if i

stop the fight here. my mind sits uncomfortably on a sharp choice of options. the withdrawal of denying my old self is a fearful

sight....but i look again and it's a quit i will not give. the sun's heat, and the air's thick dew, awaken me. is it time? time rambles

on like an ill advised jam. there is harmony within prevented from shining through. i steer for me of old, i steer for me to new. i

am at a crossroads. i know. i know. but let me compress and depress until. i know . i wish to de.com.press and release towards

an orgasm of self shedding of reluctance.

i dream of whales enclosed, of emotions that fear to breathe, and dread becomes a mist turning to a vapor.breathe.it. inwards

towards a complete dissolve. fade to white and let the black of shadows be the only remembrance of chase. simmer simmer

and soak....patience. feeds h o p e it grows and tones itself towards a blazing blue of fusion. creation of joy. the artform of

life of noise and peace of mind and a diminishing thirst. suffering was.

let anyone dare say i was for i am. pummeling along and treading lightly was a cause for laughter. let them laugh. i slowly

become deaf and blind to judgments and personal affects. cape me or rape me . i can't see, i can't hear.those called we. step

back i beg, and come forward i beg. to release. of offending frustrations and fodder for fear. death is not an easy thing when

you don't know it. ha! death is afraid of you?

yes, it's true.
vocalize your smile then. thrust the joyous birds out of your cages. lost keys matter not for licks of metal, rust, squeak and fall

brittle. rivers in my bones....oh, carve me here and there for i see. rock. may the streamlines be sexy.flow.form. free.ly dance.

practice.

anyone that has mastered a craft has committed hours upon hours of practice, an instrument, a hobby, or any art form. during practice, you are involved and you become better at your chosen craft. practice doesn't have to be a conscious undertaking....sometimes, you enjoy playing your guitar and practice just happens and it becomes habit, "it" becomes a part of you.

it's been said that it takes at least 10,000 hours to become a master at something. that's 416 days (give or take a day). say you sleep like they say you should (8 per night) and that ends up being 625 days. but you also work (hopefully), and that ends up being 1250 days. so, barring any unforeseen incidents, if you committed yourself to anything for about 3.5 years, you'd get really good at whatever.

i've recently been considering myself as an instrument and noticed i'm a bit out of tune. there's an image of who i want to be, who i should've been at a given moment. i say i am this or that but because i haven't put any practice into being that person, i just end up being "that guy". bad habits, unconscious asshole tendencies; just an overall 180 from my words, make up who i am and who i've been. far from it, i'm not the worst person in the world but i still need a lot of practice.

i am good at drinking, smoking, masturbating, sitting, eating, talking shit, taking a shit, riding a bicycle, driving my car, sleeping, cooking, being late, quitting, burning movies, jealousy, anger, sadness, depression, blindness, delusion, faking it, escaping, being afraid, being broke, lying to myself and others, losing focus, and failing. i'm sure i'm not giving myself enough credit but you get the point.

so. how committed am i to myself? do i love myself enough to become who i want to be? but, loving myself also requires practice. on the surface, it's a simple task: just stop doing/being what/who i don't want to do/be. doobie doobie doobie. hmmm, i'm also good at thinking too much....because there isn't much to think about, i just have to practice. easier said than done....or maybe it should be easy said, easy done.

easy said. easy done.

happy.

apples, pickles, down to earth, dr. seuss, rotate water counter clockwise, norah jones, john mayer, tennis balls, looney tunes, ahh monsters, jim carrey, lomi lomi, onko alva, mountain side, directions, pali, bangkok chef, body image, perfect pitch, protools, new york, best christmas ever, waikiki, greek, sushi, 3/27, free hugs, biggest pancakes ever, piano, herb, patchouli, yellow beany always falling, garfield, ukulele, drums, tattoos, joni mitchell, ani, john lennon, hippy, molly, hydro, shorebird, confidence, weakness, stubborn, girl, woman, la luna, cycles, beauty, grace, honolulu, oahu, hawaii, kahala, apple ginger with honey, ocd, tavana, alekona, mowgs, soulution, universe, love, true, ma, bicycles, pictures, volvo, happy, sad, song, hair, death, life, state fairs, grilled cheese, 110 percent, passion, paths, enlightenment, good nights, good mornings, sunshine, beatles, shooter, love birds, insurance, sunsets, beach camping, guiness, cpk, pf chang's, uncovered toes, leis, freedom, despair, hope, change, asian babies, intimacy, ohana, mind love, heart love, making love, mango allergies, jazz, wine & cheese, gigs, tropics, ong king, "safety", italy, ata, snugg as a bugg....you fricka.

perception.

there are so many seeds of wrong perception in our consciousness. yet we are quite sure that our perception of reality is correct. "that person hates me. he will not look at me. he wants to harm me." this may be nothing more than a creation of our mind. believing that our perceptions are reality, we may then act out of that belief. this is very dangerous. a wrong perception can create countless problems. in fact, all our suffering arises from our failure to recognize things as they are. we should always ask ourselves, humbly, "am i sure?" and then allow space and time for our perceptions to grow deeper, clearer, and more stable.

-- thich nhat hanh

chap chap chap.

i hate it when people chew with their mouth open. all those noises....it's gross. yeah i get it, you're eating.

-----

after watching me sleep, a lover once told me, "you have a sadness i don't think i'll ever understand." and another lover once asked me, "who are you fighting?"

-----

i woke up today and said, "fuck". i just didn't want to be awake or alive. but my feet still carried me to the shower and i still got to work on time. i even managed to laugh out loud. it isn't that i've lost myself or lost joy in life....i'm just bored of being scared. it's lame and i'm making myself lame. (i love you life, you never let me quit.)

-----

it's possible that a weak man holds the hand of a weaker woman. but a strong woman holds hands with a strong man.

-----

i had another dream where i didn't recognize a single face but i knew who they were. i drove through lush woods, there was an old mansion covered in moss which was mine, i mean, i was freely walking in and out. lots of green and white throughout the whole dream. an old 80s white cadillac, talk of molly, skinny dipping....in a cramped kitchen i stood behind a woman, remembered her "new" smell, and gently kissed her shoulder. she wondered about water balloons and windows and eyes, and we felt the heat coming off our bodies, felt the sweat of everyone around us, and i opened a window and everyone was met by a burst of air. so refreshing and REAL! the whole atmosphere was so sexually charged, everything implied, nothing menacing, but fragile and gentle. there were four of us watching a red hair woman get aroused to immediate orgasm by a red hair man who provided her with various toys. she had three vaginas, two on her left arm, and one between her legs. the red hair man used one on her arm to demonstrate how she could please herself. other naked people in the room as well. i recognized no one but they were in my house and all were welcome.

-----

wtf, three vaginas?

-----

get busy living or get busy dying.

clarity.

i've been an asshole.

never thought i'd say that and believe it but the sheer truth of who i've been is unavoidable. i've blamed everyone and everything keeping me from seeing myself. now, i've got to deal with how i deal.

ever since that day in korea, i've been protecting myself from getting hurt again. it's an understandable and natural reaction which makes it primitive and childish....but that's okay. it's okay.

this isn't a redefining moment, it's an acceptance of the full and growing definition that is me....and i feel relieved. it doesn't hurt to say that i've been a piece of shit because now, it's honest. there's no one around me, no chance for me to be dramatic, and no one on the line telling me otherwise.

i don't want anymore anger towards others, anymore neurosis about why, when, and how. i see how i've always thought that i was the shit, even thought i was being humble about it, but i wasn't. so delusional! no, it grinds on people....after a while, even after a moment, they see the facade and have had enough. i can't blame them because that's who i avoid too.

and i don't feel lonely anymore. just kinda numb and clear headed. i've been forced to sit face to face with myself....and i don't want to fight with me anymore. i just want to live and live well, avoid the traps that i so easily set for myself. no more ridiculous fears and melodramatic seriousness. no more fronts and filters that so easily cloud the truth. just joy of seeing, smelling, tasting, hearing, feeling, and understanding....like right now.