clarity.

i've been an asshole.

never thought i'd say that and believe it but the sheer truth of who i've been is unavoidable. i've blamed everyone and everything keeping me from seeing myself. now, i've got to deal with how i deal.

ever since that day in korea, i've been protecting myself from getting hurt again. it's an understandable and natural reaction which makes it primitive and childish....but that's okay. it's okay.

this isn't a redefining moment, it's an acceptance of the full and growing definition that is me....and i feel relieved. it doesn't hurt to say that i've been a piece of shit because now, it's honest. there's no one around me, no chance for me to be dramatic, and no one on the line telling me otherwise.

i don't want anymore anger towards others, anymore neurosis about why, when, and how. i see how i've always thought that i was the shit, even thought i was being humble about it, but i wasn't. so delusional! no, it grinds on people....after a while, even after a moment, they see the facade and have had enough. i can't blame them because that's who i avoid too.

and i don't feel lonely anymore. just kinda numb and clear headed. i've been forced to sit face to face with myself....and i don't want to fight with me anymore. i just want to live and live well, avoid the traps that i so easily set for myself. no more ridiculous fears and melodramatic seriousness. no more fronts and filters that so easily cloud the truth. just joy of seeing, smelling, tasting, hearing, feeling, and understanding....like right now.