happy.

apples, pickles, down to earth, dr. seuss, rotate water counter clockwise, norah jones, john mayer, tennis balls, looney tunes, ahh monsters, jim carrey, lomi lomi, onko alva, mountain side, directions, pali, bangkok chef, body image, perfect pitch, protools, new york, best christmas ever, waikiki, greek, sushi, 3/27, free hugs, biggest pancakes ever, piano, herb, patchouli, yellow beany always falling, garfield, ukulele, drums, tattoos, joni mitchell, ani, john lennon, hippy, molly, hydro, shorebird, confidence, weakness, stubborn, girl, woman, la luna, cycles, beauty, grace, honolulu, oahu, hawaii, kahala, apple ginger with honey, ocd, tavana, alekona, mowgs, soulution, universe, love, true, ma, bicycles, pictures, volvo, happy, sad, song, hair, death, life, state fairs, grilled cheese, 110 percent, passion, paths, enlightenment, good nights, good mornings, sunshine, beatles, shooter, love birds, insurance, sunsets, beach camping, guiness, cpk, pf chang's, uncovered toes, leis, freedom, despair, hope, change, asian babies, intimacy, ohana, mind love, heart love, making love, mango allergies, jazz, wine & cheese, gigs, tropics, ong king, "safety", italy, ata, snugg as a bugg....you fricka.

perception.

there are so many seeds of wrong perception in our consciousness. yet we are quite sure that our perception of reality is correct. "that person hates me. he will not look at me. he wants to harm me." this may be nothing more than a creation of our mind. believing that our perceptions are reality, we may then act out of that belief. this is very dangerous. a wrong perception can create countless problems. in fact, all our suffering arises from our failure to recognize things as they are. we should always ask ourselves, humbly, "am i sure?" and then allow space and time for our perceptions to grow deeper, clearer, and more stable.

-- thich nhat hanh

chap chap chap.

i hate it when people chew with their mouth open. all those noises....it's gross. yeah i get it, you're eating.

-----

after watching me sleep, a lover once told me, "you have a sadness i don't think i'll ever understand." and another lover once asked me, "who are you fighting?"

-----

i woke up today and said, "fuck". i just didn't want to be awake or alive. but my feet still carried me to the shower and i still got to work on time. i even managed to laugh out loud. it isn't that i've lost myself or lost joy in life....i'm just bored of being scared. it's lame and i'm making myself lame. (i love you life, you never let me quit.)

-----

it's possible that a weak man holds the hand of a weaker woman. but a strong woman holds hands with a strong man.

-----

i had another dream where i didn't recognize a single face but i knew who they were. i drove through lush woods, there was an old mansion covered in moss which was mine, i mean, i was freely walking in and out. lots of green and white throughout the whole dream. an old 80s white cadillac, talk of molly, skinny dipping....in a cramped kitchen i stood behind a woman, remembered her "new" smell, and gently kissed her shoulder. she wondered about water balloons and windows and eyes, and we felt the heat coming off our bodies, felt the sweat of everyone around us, and i opened a window and everyone was met by a burst of air. so refreshing and REAL! the whole atmosphere was so sexually charged, everything implied, nothing menacing, but fragile and gentle. there were four of us watching a red hair woman get aroused to immediate orgasm by a red hair man who provided her with various toys. she had three vaginas, two on her left arm, and one between her legs. the red hair man used one on her arm to demonstrate how she could please herself. other naked people in the room as well. i recognized no one but they were in my house and all were welcome.

-----

wtf, three vaginas?

-----

get busy living or get busy dying.

clarity.

i've been an asshole.

never thought i'd say that and believe it but the sheer truth of who i've been is unavoidable. i've blamed everyone and everything keeping me from seeing myself. now, i've got to deal with how i deal.

ever since that day in korea, i've been protecting myself from getting hurt again. it's an understandable and natural reaction which makes it primitive and childish....but that's okay. it's okay.

this isn't a redefining moment, it's an acceptance of the full and growing definition that is me....and i feel relieved. it doesn't hurt to say that i've been a piece of shit because now, it's honest. there's no one around me, no chance for me to be dramatic, and no one on the line telling me otherwise.

i don't want anymore anger towards others, anymore neurosis about why, when, and how. i see how i've always thought that i was the shit, even thought i was being humble about it, but i wasn't. so delusional! no, it grinds on people....after a while, even after a moment, they see the facade and have had enough. i can't blame them because that's who i avoid too.

and i don't feel lonely anymore. just kinda numb and clear headed. i've been forced to sit face to face with myself....and i don't want to fight with me anymore. i just want to live and live well, avoid the traps that i so easily set for myself. no more ridiculous fears and melodramatic seriousness. no more fronts and filters that so easily cloud the truth. just joy of seeing, smelling, tasting, hearing, feeling, and understanding....like right now.

age five.

i was in south korea, in elementary school. at the end of every term, the school would have a field day; various competitions between the classes. i don't remember the details of the race but i ran the wrong way.

hilarious, actually.

i don't know why i did, but i ran the wrong way. the school lot was made of dirt and there were tiny little flags outlining this track and that, this field and that....i guess i got confused. i don't know if we were ahead or behind but there was no one else on the track....but i ran my ass off and i was so focused on that supposed finish line, i didn't realize what i was doing. i get to (i think) the finish line and i was met by my teacher with a verbal tirade punctuated by slap after slap.

i don't know how many times he hit me but i remember being hit to the ground, picking myself up, coughing out the dust in my lungs, and wiping the tears from my eyes. imagine that, a grown man in his 50s launching into a child of five. and he demanded that i run it again, properly. so i ran again. and i ran the wrong course, again. and again, in front of the entire faculty, students, and parents, i was met with yelling and backhands. so i ran it again, correctly this time, and collapsed to my knees, my mind and face blank and swollen with trauma, my body shuddering with shame and fatigue.

although i've remembered that day before, i've never actually thought about its consequences. i died that day....any sense of self worth, confidence, self-anything, died.

my fear of success, fear of the unknown, fear of a challenge, it all stems from that one moment. these fears made me believe i would fail in almost everything that i attempted; relationships, school, and simply SEEING reality. i've been afraid to study, to pull through for others and myself, to meet deadlines, practice an instrument, etc., because at the finish, i was afraid i would have made a mistake and someone would backhand me and tell me i'm worthless.

i was severly punished for doing what i thought was right. so, why do anything right and good for myself if there's a chance i'm going to be punished? i made a mistake and i was punished. so why even bother with taking a chance? why trust myself to do anything right? why do anything at all? just stay put, go to work, come home, and disappear.

but that's some mighty fine bullshit. if i truly believed that i would do the world a favor and knock myself off; one less useless human being. but i am not him. i've finally recognized and forgiven my five year old for messing up that day. i was just a baby....cute and soft. it's time for him to smile again and grow up to fill this shell of a man.

come on, let's go play.