sometimes, comes a great urge to write but when i do, i find it is of nothing in particular. i don't lack topics nor subjects but like constipated thoughts, i got nothing but brain farts. and sometimes, of course, i can't find a toilet to save my life.
i don't consider myself a writer in the least, but i would like to be a good one. i don't consider myself to be a photographer, but i've been told i take good pictures. i do however, consider myself easily bored. a subject, an activity will grab my interest but sooner than later, my interest rejects it. this is a massive inconvenience. earlier, this short lived and repetitive process had charm and freedom. funny that. that short lived and repetitive process turns out to be the longest theme running....
now though, i'm sick of it. curiosity is a lovely endeavor but it is an expensive one. how much has it cost me? where would i be if i hadn't been so curious and so easily bored? i speak strictly in financial terms....i would have more useless things (from goodwill) and pay my bills a bit more easily. i would probably have a few fuzzy pals named something nerdy like bones, spock, or scotty.
before, money had no place in my life. i'd rough it during travel and give the proverbial bird to any new bill in the mail. but i've got plans now. plans that require gobs of money. it is frustrating to realize that i haven't got a clue as to what i am going to do to finance these plans to fruition.
i am approaching this subject in a rather negative tone. it has not been bad. honestly, i cherish my experiences/memories and thus feel confident in many aspects of this modern creative life. or at least, i trust myself to be successful on a daily basis.
but enough of that emotional balancing.
my curiosity has run out of fodder. yesyes, there are plenty of other topics to explore but i no longer have the motivation to pursue them. that's it really: no motivation, no tenacity. maybe that's not true, maybe i just haven't found the holy grail of topics. maybe my curiosity is tenacious in trying to find the one subject that will feed it to the bitter end. is it foolish? because maybe that holy grail is exactly that: the stuff of legend.
i consider it suicide to settle for something less than ideal. i don't even want to consider the idea of settling for a career, for anything of that magnitude....that is a voluntary nightmare. i hate seeing it and hate experiencing it. at what price though....what is this pursuit going to cost me/my family emotionally? do i stay foolish/selfish or give in?